I need to vent. Mods, if this kind of thing isn’t welcome in this community anymore…oh well. It helped me feel better at least typing my thoughts into the void.
I got married to a wonderful, beautiful woman in 2021 after being together for 5 years. My parents are big cruise fanatics. They go on vacation like this about once every year or two. We both told them before the wedding - because they did this for my brother when he got married - they can get us whatever they want for a wedding gift, just PLEASE no cruises.
And they listened! We got some very nice, very expensive bedsheets that were perfect!
Fast forward a year. I get a call. My parents booked a 4 day cruise to Mexico over the week after Christmas '23. I’m not particularly assertive, but I was offering pushback on it. I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
My wife also didn’t want it. Neither of us asked for this. But after a few months of talking about it, both of us agreed: it’s free, let’s give it a fair shake.
Fair shake given. We tried our best to like this. I’m writing this from my cabin docked at Cozumel. We deboarded the ship for 15 minutes and were immediately overwhelmed by the crowd. We turned around, went back to our cabin and are now sleeping the day away. Maybe we’ll hit up the hot tub before everybody comes back. The crowd is too much. The longer I spend on this gargantuan vessel, the smaller it gets.
My brother, his wife, and their two small kids are also here. I think they’re also pretty exhausted. It seems like my parents have gone out of their way to spend time with that foursome. As for me, I only get notifications once they’re already somewhere and I have to catch up. I got a message saying “We’re at Senor Frogs.” I did not get “We’re going to Senor Frogs. Wanna meet up?”
I feel like a piece of shit for not appreciating it. I feel invisible because I didn’t ask for this. And I feel angry because I feel like an afterthought. I feel like I got invited to this because my parents wanted to spend a week with my brother’s kids and I was given a ticket to tag along so I wouldn’t feel left out. I wouldn’t have felt left out by not being invited to something I didn’t want. I wouldn’t feel left out if I had been given the opportunity to say no.
I’m just burnt tf out. I want my house. With my quarter acre. And my neighbor with the stupid subwoofer. I want my bed (that doesn’t rock because it’s on solid ground), my cats, my dog, my plaid pajamas, my cold weather, and my coffee back at home in Oklahoma. I would have rather stayed home and built puzzles with my (also puzzle-loving) wife for a week. We are slow-paced, solitary, almost antisocial creatures. I’m wired differently from my family. And though I feel guilty for being unappreciative of their gesture, I won’t feel ashamed of being different. I didn’t ask to be this way.
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I’m done. We shove off back for the States in an hour or so. We’re over the hill. We’ll be home soon, and I will never do this again.
This sort of thing may be the ultimate fun time for them, and they may have just wanted to give you what they see as the ultimate fun time, but it’s not that for you. It’s okay that different people like different recreational things, and sometimes people with their hearts in the right place still need to be reminded of that fact. So, you can be gracious about the gift but keep this writeup.
When this is over, you can politely thank your parents for the gift and say no more if you want. But if they press the issue and genuinely want to know how you felt about it, if they really want you to be honest, you could tell them what you’ve just told us. If in the future they invite you to another cruise and give you any guff about taking no for an answer, tell them what you told us. You can still express gratitude that they gave you the chance to give this a fair shake, and politely decline repeating the experience. “I tried and it’s just not for me” is a valid takeaway from this, both for you and for them.
I think this is the way.
I’m genuinely mad at them right now because it seems they’ve exerted little effort to spend time with my wife and me…but we’re all adults here. I could have tried a little harder to reach out to them, too (because I just haven’t done a good job of that myself. Projecting, maybe?). And I’d like to have a debriefing with them, but only once I’m on dry land and had more time to cool off. Because right now, I’ve never been so inclined to tell them to fuck off. At least not since my teenage years lol
But once I’m home and unpacked and I’ve had the chance to wash my laundry, I think I’m going to tell them straight up that while I appreciated the opportunity to give this a fair try to please never do this again. We will have other opportunities to vacation together. Hell, if they want Cozumel, the island has an airport and tickets are only like 400 bucks a pop from OKC. I’d so much rather have flown here and had 3-5 days to experience the island with all it’s quiet holes in the wall and its beaches.
But cruising? I can’t do this again. And next time, it’s a hard pass. If they insist I come and pay for a ticket, I’m not showing up. I can’t go unheard on this topic again.
They’ve given you the gift of appreciation for your own home.
And subwoofer dude!
I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
“Yes, and it must really not be our thing if we are saying no to all of that.”
Sometimes you need to pick a position and dig in your heels. Even when they start pushing and you start doubting yourself you can remember that you already made your choice…but not so easy when something is just suddenly thrown at you and you don’t get an opportunity to think on it first.
A lot of the experiences you described sound a lot like stuff I deal with. Have you ever been tested for autism?
Have you ever been tested for autism?
Yes, 15+ years ago. The doctor said I had Asperger’s. I said bullshit, test me. Got tested. No Asperger’s. But honest to goodness, I fully believe I am on the spectrum. But I’m not going around saying I am without a proper diagnosis.
Digging in my heels is something I’m working on. I have a really hard time saying no and sticking with it because of trauma.
I think this just happens to be one of the things we share with neurotypical adults that have overly cheery family members.
The universal experience of “jesuuuus I said no mom, wait, why are you crying? Fineeee I’ll do it. Oh wow you stopped crying just like that.”
Edit: I refuse to call my parents “n-parents”, but that’s what I meant by overly cheery. Their happiness over yours because culture.
n-parents
n? as in…?
The very same hahahahaha
Why does everything on Lemmy and Reddit have to devolve into autism or depression? Dude just wants to build puzzles with his wife.
There’s a lot more there than ‘likes puzzles’. Sometimes when you have a thing or are part of a group, a lot of seemingly unrelated things start to make a pattern that others might not see. Like ‘gaydar’ or alcoholism or autism. And there is a lot of undiagnosed autism and just an enormous amount of depression in general. And also OP already affirmed what I said in this same thread a couple posts down. But I didn’t say he has autism, I asked if he’s been tested…and guess what?
So it’s possible “everything is autism and depression” includes a big dose of cognitive bias on your end.
This fits into the larger umbrella of parents giving their children things the parents believe their children should want, rather than things that are actually wanted or needed.
My sister is gay and prefers pants and “men’s” shirts. For years my mom would by my sister dresses and then lay down a guilt trip when my sister didn’t wear the dresses.
OP, you have every right to resent this. It sounds like your parents “invited” you because they already planned to have your brother along. They may have even been going for a bulk deal.
Someday in the future, someone will try to pressure you into another cruise, saying that you didn’t have fun because you didn’t go with the “right” people, didn’t do the “right” things or go to the “right” locations, etc. It’ll be up to you to decide what to say to them.
My family and I also have vastly different notions of what constitutes a good time. It can be hard for people who really enjoy a thing - especially a popular thing - that some people just don’t. Sometimes you do have to compromise a little on your own comfort to build and maintain family bonds; hopefully it goes both ways, and they’ll join you for quiet time with puzzles (or whatever) some other time. Maybe you can all have some family quiet time in cabins while the ship is underway, then let them go do their loud crowded things in port, but it sounds like it’s just time to chalk this up to tried it; not going again. Good on ya, giving it a fair try.
I’ve told my fam the things I don’t want to go along for and why, and they (mostly) remember and don’t ask again. Even if you’re family, it doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. I’m careful to tell them when it’s a one-time no vs a categorical refusal, and sometimes they do stuff that bores them because I like it.
Like my nephew agreeing to sit through one more episode of Young Sheldon so my niece will play Monopoly with him.
i assume you’re home now. it sounds miserable. luckily it was just four days. next time, say, “no thanks.”
Check out “Shipping out: on the (nearly lethal) comforts of a luxury cruise.” aka “A supposedly fun thing I’ll never do again”.
Home bowl, too. Never poop as well anywhere else.
Sorry your family put you in this situation but you’ll be back home soon with all the fixins!
I went on a Caribbean cruise once. I learned that Americans will still stack their plates at a buffet as if it will run out, rush to be the first in line to wait for anything, and gawk at the poverty put on display.
I went on a free cruise and just felt guilty the whole time because I know how the staff are treated.
Our family has never tried to drag us on a cruise, but I feel like this would me and my wife almost to a T. I do not get cruises at all, besides maybe Alaskan cruises. I’d much rather go to a country and visit it for real, not just go to some touristy resort.
Alaska is my favorite cruise. The view of glacers and mountins is great. The town you stop in not worth it, the sea days are not to miss.
Cruises usually suck, but if you can get out and it’s still like this (we’re talking almost 40 years ago)- We went to Cozumel as part of a vacation across the Yúcatan when I was a 12 or so and went snorkling over the coral reef. I remember various things about that vacation, good and bad, but what sticks with me most all these decades later was what I saw on that reef. Do treat yourself to that experience if it’s one you can still have.
That sounds frustrating. At least you two can say you tried.
Yeah. If there’s anything good to say about this, it’s at least that we can say for certain that this is not for us.
Is this your first cruise? Because I respect the hell out of people that try things they’re unsure of at least once.
That’s me with seafood. I’ve tried it a handful of times and have just decided that, hey, it’s expensive and I don’t enjoy it. So that’s enough for me
Yes, it is our first. This was something we’d never buy ourselves. If it’s within a 7 hours’ drive, we drive. Outside of that, put me in a 600 mile an hour soda can in the sky.
I also tried calamari on this cruise and didn’t love it. And I love fish. But not calamari. Now I know that about myself lol At least my mushroom risotto was top notch.
calamari
I’d never cook it for myself as it is a PITA to get right, it’s much more pleasant as ‘salt and pepper squid’ at Chinese takeaways.
If I were you, I’d just do what made me happy and let others do what makes them happy and not worry at all about those two things overlapping.
Definitely do not feel guilty, but also try not to feel resentful. Lesson learned, next time you know to give a firm “no”.
The crowds at the ports are horrible. I would describe myself and my partner very similarly to you, but we liked cruises (at least precovid). You have to shove past the crowds at the port and then usually you can get some breathing space and actually explore the country your visiting.
But I absolutely understand being overwhelmed.
Also, there is nothing wrong with lounging in your room and watching movies.
Safe travels, hope you get home soon.
