A brutal series of attacks at a rural monastery in Spain over the weekend has left several people injured, after an assailant reportedly broke in and declared “I am Jesus Christ and I am going to kill the monks.” Following a lengthy search of the countryside around Valencia, police have arrested a man on suspicion of carrying out the vicious attack, which left a 76-year-old man fighting for his life.
Initial reports on Saturday indicated that a Catholic Bishop had been killed during the violent rampage, during which the assailant is alleged to have used a historical artefact, as well as a glass bottle, to attack monks at the monastery. However, emergency services have since confirmed that no one died, but one individual remains in a critical condition in hospital following the assault
This makes me wanna go have fisticuffs with this Jesus guy declaring myself Methuselah. Get him in a headlock and demand he bless me.
“Jesus tags in Herod the Great! Herod’s climbing the turnbuckles… he’s on the top rope… pauses a moment to get the crowd behind him… oh, he’s going for the elbow drop on Methuselah…!”