I like reminding my single friends that 73% of Americans are considered overweight. 41% are obese.

A shocking amount of my male friends are overweight or obese and refuse to date overweight women.

If this article is to be believed, you’re safe.

I hope this includes the ones I import to the US because I can’t live without my gold.

I’ll never forgive Starbucks for what they did to Teavana!

That aside, I think anybody who ever tasted a triangle bag tea knows they’re bad for you. They taste awful! Like plastic! I’m shocked they’re still for sale.

The author’s barely disguised fetish strikes again!

The expression on the security guard on the right is hilarious to me.

We don’t know how long they’ve been together.

I would not want my first meeting with someone’s mother to be on their deathbed. And as a grown woman, I wouldn’t want my son’s new piece of ass at my deathbed, either.

Hey I’m am Xennial and I’m also allergic to bananas!

Someone should do a study.

I want to understand, intrinsically, and be able to manipulate to my liking, all the financial systems of the world.

At worst, I’d quickly become a well-paid accountant. At best, I’d become an extremely talented, untraceable, modern Robin Hood.

Is that you, Dan?

I’ve got a hot ear!

It’s so crazy how it looks like they want to double-team you but they are legitimately just good friends and it isn’t a weird homophobic thing.

Same. It’s the same kind of vibe as “everybody poops.”

I was thinking of that guy who raped her multiple times and had HIV. I really need that guy to have more than “some time to think about what you’ve done” because he’d probably jerk off to it. :(

Normally I’m 100% for this, it’s just that this particular case seems so evil and egregious…

Is it? You didn’t use any.

I’m still referring to my need to steal everything that is not both nailed down and on fire.

…nailed down or on fire is fine.

She wouldn’t let the fisherman look in her wooden box, so they came up with this while story about her being a foreign princess, married for convenience, and took an illicit lover, so they killed her lover and put his head in the box and set her to sea.

That is an insane amount of bananas details for “she has a box and won’t let us see what’s inside.”

Fuck I want a cigarette now.