• nuke@sh.itjust.works
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    4 months ago

    Friendly reminder to be noncredible. Don’t actually attack other people for their religious beliefs. If you don’t have a funny take, and you’re just here to spread hate, maybe shut the fuck up instead 👍

  • FiniteBanjo@lemmy.today
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    4 months ago

    I’m in the firm belief that Amish are crazy but harmless.

    Mormons are not that. Mormons are a modern organization, and one that is ruthless and demanding of its followers, and with funding to spare.

  • CheesyGordita@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    Mormons. They already have an army of ~70k extremely impressionable 18-20 year olds (missionaries) hopped up on dirty sodas and sexual repression ready to do whatever for their prophet in the name of god.

    Source: was Mormon, was missionary, still live in Utah. lol

      • CheesyGordita@lemmy.world
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        4 months ago

        Soda with mix ins. Like flavor mix ins. So you go to a soda shop, ask for a Dr Pepper, then get like vanilla, coconut, or raspberry, etc mix ins. Kinda like an Italian soda. It’s huge here in utah.

          • CheesyGordita@lemmy.world
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            4 months ago

            Nah, most of them are just modern soulless rectangle buildings with little or no interior decorations. I’ve only been inside one a few years back tho. However most people just use the drive through and line up like 50 cars deep and block traffic and access to other surrounding buildings like the lemmings they are, lol

            • verity_kindle@sh.itjust.worksM
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              4 months ago

              My house will be soulless without some schweet Amish benches on the porch. Money on them to win, I have no other choice. It’s a huge ass wraparound porch.

          • Lightor@lemmy.world
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            4 months ago

            I moved here from NY and it surprised me. I think it’s because they can’t have coffee and such, so they drink a ton of soda. Coffee bad, but a 44 oz Coke at 8am, totally fine.

            • figjam@midwest.social
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              4 months ago

              I had a mormon friend who was similar and it was just jarring the amount of diet mountain dew that he could put away.

          • skyspydude1@lemmy.world
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            4 months ago

            Yes, but imagine they’re as prolific as Starbucks and with 5x the amount of sugar as a normal soda. Everyone thinks the south is the sugary drink capital of the US, with Coca-Cola being in Georgia and sweet tea being the official drink south of the Mason-Dixon, but compared to the shit that comes out of those dirty soda shops in Utah, they’re like LaCroix and plain black tea by comparison.

            Since they can’t do “hot drinks”, my coworkers there would typically drink 2-3 Monsters or 20oz bottles of Mountain Dew in a typical workday. It was absolutely insane to see.

          • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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            4 months ago

            Think of Sonic, but on steroids. There are chains of soda shops here in Utah who literally only sell soda, and they have every mixin you can think of. Mango puree? Yup. Gummy bears? You bet! Peeps? What do you think we are, amateurs??

            Come visit Utah, where everyone is speed-running diabetes. Why? Because the 64oz soda holders in our massive trucks need to be filled, and not with peasant sodas from Maverick or 7/11, but with real, artisan sodas with crazy mixins and whatnot.

          • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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            4 months ago

            Nobody ever said they couldn’t, the only proscription is on “hot drinks,” which has been interpreted as “coffee and tea.” The anti-caffeine people are the “spirit of the law” people, and for decades, Coke sold caffeine-free versions of their products to BYU (that ended relatively recently).

            • Oni_eyes@sh.itjust.works
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              4 months ago

              Huh, TIL. Had some classmates that are Mormon growing up and I guess they were from the spirit of the law group.

  • Sanctus@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    Homie could you imagine Amish Guerrilla Warfare? Those dudes are so down to earth you’d think it was straight up the earth that attacked you. They dont even need GPS to know where they are. Mormons are gonna need some huge advantage other than their thug stratagem to beat the Amish Will.

    • harrys_balzac@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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      4 months ago

      Quite honestly, I think the Amish would find a lot of collaborators. As a former Mormon, I’d be happy to help the Amish out in some way.

    • nuke@sh.itjust.worksOPM
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      4 months ago

      Amish guerilla agents coming out of literally every tree, bush, patch of vegetation imaginable

    • EmoDuck@sh.itjust.works
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      4 months ago

      Images going to bed in an Mormon military base and waking up that, surprise, the Amish build a prison camp around you during the night

      • makuus@pawb.social
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        4 months ago

        …surprise, the Amish build a prison camp around you during the night

        Just a modest shed, really…

    • Sylvartas@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      They dont even need GPS to know where they are.

      Inhales

      The Amish knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn’t. By subtracting where it is from where it isn’t, or where it isn’t from where it is (whichever is greater)…

  • wieson@feddit.org
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    4 months ago

    In the first week, the Mormon airforce rises into the air and starts a carpet bombing campaign.

    Seemingly, the Amish are destroyed as there are no signs of fighting back. The Mormon missionaries move in to pacify the newly conquered territory. But all the towns are dead and empty.

    After two weeks of raising the Mormon flags everywhere, the top brass gets a notice: several Amish towns have sprung up in the hinterlands. Quickly the Mormon army rushes in but all they find are desolated settlements.

    General after general gets burn-out from this game of whack-a-mole. The Mormons want a fight but the pacifist Amish aren’t playing along. The Mormon youth gets dissatisfied with their rulers who called then into a war and are not delivering.

    On the other side of the curtain, the Amish are not allowed to fight back. They simply leave their homes and rebuild somewhere else, especially in places the Mormon army just left. But some amongst them are of the opinion that, although fighting is strictly prohibited, a few accident should be within the rules.

    So the numbers of unexplained explosions in the Mormon homeland start to rise. It’s just the beginning, but the methane tanks on the Amish dairy farms overfloweth.

    A Mormon officer suggests arming local cheese lords to get a hold of the situation. Wherever have we seen that before?

    • Omega_Man@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      My only proposed time dit: Due to their uncanny ability to construct elaborate building in a single day, the Amish continue constructing full barns and houses at each site.

  • HelixDab2@lemm.ee
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    4 months ago

    <serious>

    Mormons. And it’s over in a week, tops.

    Mormons are really into guns on the whole. There’s an entire fundie Mormon clan (the Kingstons) that own Desert Tech, an arms manufacturer. Mormons in general have a very high rate of enlistment in military services, while the Amish are pacifists and opposed to any form of modern technology. And don’t forget that you have the Deseret Nationalists that are quite willing to murder for their religion.

    • Mirshe@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      Don’t forget that there are still some people trying to make Blood Libel a thing again in the mainline church as well!

      • HelixDab2@lemm.ee
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        4 months ago

        I think you mean “blood atonement”, not “blood libel”. Blood libel is about Jews (supposedly) killing Christian babies. And yeah, those are the DezNat people.

  • southsamurai@sh.itjust.works
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    4 months ago

    Mormons lose big, and here’s why.

    Those damn bright white shirts. Easy targets.

    No way you can miss them, even on the smokiest battlefield.

    The Amish blend into the background better.

  • mean_bean279@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    I think I gotta hand it to the Amish on this one. I’ve seen how quickly they can build a barn. Imagine how quickly they could fortify a front. The Mormons just don’t have that capability. Not to mention the Mormon limited selection of hot drinks to drink on the cold bitter front. It would make it far more difficult to fight that war.

      • Madison420@lemmy.world
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        4 months ago

        Amish 100% because most sects allow for machinery in construction so long as it’s not on the property is necessary and proceeds benefit the community. You’ll see Amish construction workers doing wheelies in skid steers off property.

        Plus I don’t really think many people know about or separate mennonites from Amish and that they’re allowed most forms of technology but dress similarly and live in similar dwellings in similar settings.

  • HobbitFoot @thelemmy.club
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    4 months ago

    The Mormon Church has historical experience in low-intensity conflict, has members surprisingly embedded in diplomatic circles, has experience in power projection, and is fucking rich.

    Mormons aren’t just going to be soaking, but soaking in Amish blood.

    • figaro@lemdro.id
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      4 months ago

      Lolll soaking.

      Spot on though. The Mormon church has connections and infinite money, rivaling the Catholic Church in terms of wealth (and only increasing by the year). Their current estimated value is over 200 billion, in real estate, land, and investments. They own significant holdings in farmland all over the country including 1% of the entire landmass of Florida.

      Historically speaking, the church already went to war against the United States, and attempted to assassinate a governor (unsuccessfully). 1800’s Mormons were nuts.

      Obligatory note - I grew up Mormon. I don’t recommend joining the church. Their beliefs are objectively incorrect and oftentimes harmful. They have a cool history though.

    • redhorsejacket@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      I had almost managed to scroll away before I remembered what soaking was, and now I want an apology for the image that you’ve placed in my head

  • eco@lemm.ee
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    4 months ago

    The Mormons have $182 billion in investments (that excludes operating assets). Just their stocks/mutual funds/etc. exceed $50 billion.

    They could buy 14 aircraft carriers or 1,776 F-35s.

    • nuke@sh.itjust.worksOPM
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      4 months ago

      BREAKING NEWS: The Mormon Mountain Coalition has airdropped over a dozen aircraft carriers into the middle of Pennsylvania farmlands. The Amish Agrarian Alliance vows retaliation

    • psud@aussie.zone
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      4 months ago

      They also have control over a state and probably its national guard sorry, too credible